Witches’ Talk

Short Stories

So. Now you work for a man who makes eldritch horrors wet themselves. How do you feel?” Nana Ruth Ruglmore asked.

Fanny slammed her tanked on the table, “Never fooken better.” The witch pointed a painted finger at Ruth, “Do you know how I woke up this morning?

Ruth shrugged.

I didn’t Fanny laughed, “I slept until noon. And you know what else? My sheets were clean and I ate half a pig in bed because I could. I have a fooken wardrobe that asks me how I’m doing. Can you believe it?”

Your wardrobe speaks to you?” Ruth said.

Fanny shrugged, “I think it’s haunted. It eats lint or something.”

Must be nice.” Ruth said.

You bloody oath it is.”

Ruth had never really given Fanny much credit. For most of her life the Wood Elf had been given the back hand of society because of her face and figure.

Under normal circumstances Fanny would have ended up whoring but the Gods had sought fit to give Fanny a face that would make cows give sour milk. A few weeks ago she had been fat and had a face that made you physically want to vomit.

All her life she had been abused and picked on because of her fat, ugly mug.

That was until she sold herself and her services to a certain evil git.

So. What do you call yourself now? The trollop?” Ruth asked,

Fanny gave the old she-elf a stare that would have iced over a lake, “The Vixen.”

And he doesn’t mind?”

Fanny pulled out a small card and handed it to Ruth. It read.


Trader, Entrepreneur,

Sexy Thing.

He made me business cards.” Fanny said happily.

Ruth looked at all the flowers and the red lipstick smudge that had been printed at the right corner. She shook her head and meant to give it back.

No. Keep it. I’ve got plenty.” Fanny said. She looked at Ruth’s new place. Well it wasn’t exactly her place as the old woman was living with a few room mates, as usual.

The room had a kitchen counter, two bedrooms, and an indoor outhouse. Light ivy was placed at strategic spots allowing for the most light, and the window stared out to the city docks. It was the type of place that an old Ruth would have called a palace.

There are plenty of empty rooms.” Fanny said, pointing her thumb at the door.

The flop house as it was still called had been equivalent of a city’s people sewer. Before Fanny’s new boss had come around to cause havoc, it had been a broken storehouse where the city put its less than privilege.

In all honesty the place had been a disgrace and people used it as a good threatening device to keep the working class to work that bit harder.

Now, due to some manipulating with a power made archdruid and the city’s dryad community. The flop house had twenty-five floors with each floor carrying eleven rooms just like Ruth was living in.

Why are you here?” Ruth asked wanting to get to the bloody point.

Fanny sat up in her chair, her eyes staring at her old friend, “I want you to join up.”

Ruth shook her head in disappointment, “Look at me Fanny. I’m too old to be going out. I’ve got one arm, everything hurts, I got no magic. I can’t be jumping around and playing.”

Fanny pointed at her own face. The moment she had left her new house she had been offered two marriage proposals, was offered sex by thirty men and one four women, and she was given a flower by a little boy. “This ain’t glamour, you damn senile cow. I’ve got an in. I’m so filled with magic I piss out rainbows. I can throw curses that can melt the skin off your withered old bones.”

Is that how you’re playing this, Fanny? You threatening me?” Ruth asked seriously.

Fanny held her head in frustration, “Gods damn it Ruth. I don’t have to threaten you. I can get you young again. I can get you teaching again. I can even get your arm back.”

Ruth’s remaining hand popped as she tightened it into a fist, “And do what? Sell my soul to a monster? Get on my knees, open my mouth and live as his dunny?”

He’s not evil, Ruth.” Fanny said waving her hand. She smiled, “And it wouldn’t be your first time.”

Ruth wanted to beat the shite out of the bitch, she scrunched up her face. If she had been serving tea Fanny could expect a good dose of spit and nightshade.

I heard what that monster did.” Ruth spat, “I have ears.”

Fanny crossed her arms, “And what do they say?”

That he turned an entire village of humans into women. Then he had his men rape them to death.”

Fanny’s laugh was loud enough that the neighbours banged on the walls, the ones who didn’t were obviously listening in the discussion. Ruth had asked her room mates to put in some voice cancelling wards but they complained that they wouldn’t be able to hear their neighbours gossip.

Wood elf ears aren’t for show.

You saying he didn’t” Ruth said hearing Fanny’s laughter.

Did it? I fooken helped him.”

Ruth’s eyes went wide and her mouth dropped. “Are you bloody insane?”

Seeing her friend’s horror, Fanny held up her hands, “Wait, wait, wait. You don’t know the full story.”

Tell me and we’ll see how far I can toss you. Don’t think I wont.” Ruth said, coming real close to taking a swing at her soon to be ex-friend.

Fanny’s face turned dark, “They were Thorians. You know? Those fookers who raid us. Well. Anyway, Master got wind of this village. There were at least a dozen elf women there.”

Did you know that they put all the women they steal in this basement. I’m not gonna tell you what they do to them, Ruth, but those women were dead inside. Well, they just got this new batch of girls from an island and planed to ‘Marry them.’ as they call it.”

Marriage as those beasts called it was a bit different to the traditional sense. It was more like slavery and ritualistic savagery. Ruth had heard it all before. Living in constant fear and embarrassment, they start to turn native. Of course, it could never happen to her.

Fanny’s smile could have turned a man’s willie to shrivel and die, “Master went right in there. Right up to the chief and asked him to free all the she-elves who didn’t want to be there any more. Any one who wanted to stay was welcome. I was there right next to him as well as a few other old girls, and I tell you Ruth, the stares those bastards gave us will haunt me.”

Ruth could almost imagine the scene, “So I’m guessing the chief didn’t like all that.”

Oh, he liked it. Oh. I forgot to mention. The master looked like a girl.”

The monster turned himself into a girl?” Ruth said.

I swear, Ruth. I couldn’t make this up. You think I’m pretty. I swear the chief’s willie was gonna pop off when Master moved his hips.”

Wonderful. So I can guess what happened next. The chief attacked you and you killed them all.”

Fanny kept her grin up, “No. Well, not yet. Before we went in, Master had poisoned the air. Every male was hallucinating. They saw his friend and brother as the most beautiful women their tiny minds could think of.”

Ruth. All the men were fooking each other in the arse and sucking each other off. Right in front of us. After the strange gas hit not a one touched us, I don’t think they even knew we ere there anymore.”

Ruth hid back a laugh and she swore she heard someone do the same next door. “Then what happened?” the old elf asked.

We freed the women and had them watch. Master got the prince, you know that one. Well, he removed all their memories of all the bad things. Ruth, they were all laughing. Master was selling snacks. I swear, Ruth, he was thinking of selling tickets.”

Ruth held her head, she didn’t want to imagine a hundred sweaty, hairy human men all taking it up their arse. It was too disgusting.

Then what is this I hear about him turning men to women?” Ruth said.

Well. After the chief has buggered himself to the point his dicks and arse is covered in blood, he gets up and promises that he will kill Master and all of us. Some of the girls got scared and Master didn’t like leaving an enemy alive. So.”

Fanny stopped herself, allowing the tension in the air to rise. She had always been a bad story teller, forgetting things, trying to build up suspense by awkward silence.

Ruth gave her a kick, “Get on with it.”

Ruth. Remember when I told you I farted magic?” Fanny asked.

You mean you managed to perform a sex-change magic? I don’t fucking believe it.” Ruth knew that Fanny practiced witchcraft. Being an ugly bitch, she had attempted to use magic to brighten herself up, it hadn’t worked but she knew Fanny knew about the basics. But a polymorph spell? No way. Even powerful wizards couldn’t pull that spell out of their arses at a moment’s notice.

Fanny raised a finger, “Ah. But I wasn’t alone. Ruth, there was a dozen other witches with us. We made a temporary coven bond, and immediately broke it off at the last minute.”

Ruth made a face and could almost believe it, but wasn’t there yet, “Nope. The backlash would have stopped your hearts. Don’t see it.”

I don’t blame you. But, like I said, I weren’t alone. The backlash was what we were after. We sent the backlash into a machine, which funnelled the energy directly into an inverse containment spell. Master had figured out the formula in an instant. We used another woman girl as a template.” Ruth shook her head, “I don’t fully understand it, but it worked. All the men turned into women. Then all us women grew temporary disks and the party started up again.”

Ruth’s mouth dropped. She opened her mouth but couldn’t ask the words. Instead she imagined the power it would take, “Wait. You mean you didn’t change them one at a time. You did a mass-polymorph. And what was this machine?”

Fanny opened her mouth but stopped herself. She sat back in her chair and looked up at the ceiling, “Well. I could tell you, but that’s company secrets.”

Ruth smacked the table with her hand, “Don’t play with me, girl. That kind of power would have turned you to dust. If what you are saying was correct, entire religions would have been built around that one spell. The only time you hear about those magics are in fantasy books. Do you know how much power it takes to push out a polymorph spell, even one that only lasts ten minutes?”

Fanny smiled, “Ruth. This wasn’t some initiate magic.” she pointed at her face, “There was so much raw power in that after I finished making the chief’s son/daughter scream and my cock went away, I got this face as a bonus. I am physically a century younger. All of us managed to increase our natural mana reservoir ten-fold.”

Ruth’s face dropped, “It became permanent? That’s not possible. The body’s Reinarch field would convert you back. You’re magic would be all fucked up. How?”

The hook baited, Fanny, the Vixen, got up and moved towards the door.

Where are you going?” Ruth shouted, she needed answers. The spell that Fanny had just to confessed to helping should have been far beyond anything a mere mortal, even twenty mortals could handle. Even half of what that spell had done could revolutionise everything.

The old elf’s eyes drifted to her home. She gritted her gums. It was starting to become clear that her master played with this kind of impossible power of a daily use

I have an appointment. Sorry, Fanny but I actually have a job now. I might see you later.” As an after-thought, Fanny placed ten gold coins on the table, making careful sure that the neighbours didn’t hear. She didn’t want a potential alley getting her throat slit by a cutpurse.

The ancient she-elf held her heart as she stared at the glittering coins, dumbfounded. Most transactions were in copper and silver. To the common folk, gold was a mythical animal. They could work for years, grinding their fingers to the bone and only dream of holding such things.

And there were ten of the pretties.

Where did you get those?” Ruth breathed, thinking that they could not possibly be real. If they were she probably would have had a heart attack.

I earned them. I told you Ruth, I have a job. Oh, and you can keep that. I have a bath tub full of them just waiting for me.”